I have just realized that I have gone most of the summer without really reflecting on my hospitalization some three years ago. I have been telling myself that it is because of my internship here at Reading Hospital but I have to wonder about that reasoning. I have said on many different occasions that one cannot dwell in the past; it will only cause that person to second guess their decisions and ultimately question their current life situation. But I have never looked with regret on my hospital experience. At times I have asked God, “Why me?” but I have never thought that it was some kind of punishment: I survived something that would have killed many people; I have a strong relationship between my family and friends; and I have a strong relationship with God. I don’t necessarily think that my faith has changed all that much—there was a point when I question my belief in the existence in God—but I have built a relationship with God where I am no longer see God high above me but rather with me.
What happened to me three years ago did change me and it pains me to think that I no longer heavily reflect on this experience. I am a new person, a new man, and it is all because I spent 26 days in the intensive care unit at the University of Maryland. While my hope is not to forget there is a hope that I am able to live with the idea that I have stared death in the face, was able walk away, and now only look back when I am in need of support or guidance.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Journal Entry for Week 7
Why do bad things happen to good people? I mean seriously, why is this the case? Why do I, and others alike, feel that bad people should only have bad things happen to them? It has been a question brought up numerous times in group and numerous times for myself. I feel like the good are always punished and the bad walk away unharmed. Is this right to feel this way? Who am I to judge? So many questions to ask but a whole lifetime to seek out the answers...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Sermon from the 7th Sunday after Pentecost
My sermon from on Sunday. Let me know what you think...
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Emma Lazarus was a famous American Poet. One particular poem brought her great fame. I can almost guarantee that everyone in this room has heard this particular poem. It has been cited in movies, books, tv shows, and on one particular monument:
"Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed,
sunset hates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch,
whose flame Is the imprisoned lighting,
and her name Mother of Exiles.
From her beacon hand glows world-wide welcome;
her mild eyes command the air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she with silent lips.
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
This particular monument and poem has come to mean a great deal to many Americans. Some see it as a symbol of Freedom; Lady Liberty standing tall holding the flame of Justice and lighting America’s way as our country strives to grant freedom to all. For others, and maybe for some in this room, the statue of Liberty was the first thing they saw as their boat traveled from eastern hemisphere. Some came in search of starting over; for a chance to give their children the opportunity they did not have. For those that fled Europe to escape the Nazi regime they saw the Statue of Liberty as a second chance at life just as Christians see the Cross as our second chance at life.
Our world has come very far from the days of World War I and II; since the days of Ellis Island where immigrants were treated as second-rate people. The need for conquering land and individuals has been taken over by the need to take care of one another and the planet that we live on. Human and civil rights have become more important to us but this does not mean suffering is no longer with us. There are people who are still oppressed: Racism still goes on in our country, the oppression of women is still all to well apparent but we have made many great strides to end these oppression. But oppression is not the only kind of suffering left in this world. Sickness, loss of personal independence, and pain on a number of different level are all apart of suffering. These moments of suffering and pain can all cause us to ask the question, “Where is God?” or “Why is this happening to me?” Sometimes we question it about ourselves and other times we question it for someone else.
I can remember one particular patient and his family I had a few weeks ago where I asked these two questions “Where is God?” or “Why is this happening to him?” It was my first on call shift and it was a very busy night filled with Traumas, emergencies in the ED, and end of life decisions. This particular patient came into the emergency room while I was tending to a Trauma. The Trauma surgeon pointed him out to me as they wheeled him past the Trauma room. The paramedics were doing CPR on him. With every passing minute the man’s condition got worst and worst and I had to make the dreaded phone call at one in the morning; “Sir you need to come to the emergency room right away, your loved one is very sick.” I was afraid that this man would die alone because his brother lived very far away. None of us were really sure if this man had any real significant family other than his brother. We knew he was divorced and only listed his brother as an emergency contact. A few hours pass and the receptionist finally paged me and told me that the patient’s brother had arrived. It is about 2 in the morning at this point. I go and find a doctor who can give this man more that just the basic information that I had. The cardiologist came in and told the brother that the patient has had a massive heart attack; the only reason he is still alive is because of the dozen of drugs forcing his heart to beat. They were not sure if he would survive the night let alone be able to recover from the lack of oxygen to the brain. When I left the brother upstairs I prayed in the elevator telling God that it is not fair that this man should die alone and that his brother have nobody else to morn with. I asked the question, “Where are you God? This man needs you right now.” A little bit later I was called back to the room. The patient took a turn for the worst and the nurse said the brother just needed someone to sit with. We both sat quietly in the room as the nurses did their job. I prayed my prayer once again to myself. We watched as his lungs were no longer working and the ventilator had to literally force the air into his body. It was very violent to watch this. I was about to lose hope but then out of nowhere the nurse comes in and asks me to go downstairs and meet the man’s sister and his husband. And when I returned later that afternoon I say 10 more family members in the waiting room.
The patient still died but his family was there to hold his hand. They were there to tell him that they loved him. They were there to comfort each other. The same suffering, pain and loss that we see every day whether it be on the news or in the hospital rooms is the same suffering, pain and loss that was around Jesus some 2000 years ago. Not only was the pain of an illness horrible but there was also the social outcast that the person felt as well. But Jesus does something different as we hear in our Gospel lesson today:
“When they got out of the boat, people at once recognized him, and rushed about that whole region and began to bring the sick on mats to wherever they heard he was. And wherever he went, into villages or cities or farms, they laid the sick in the marketplaces, and begged him that they might touch even the fringe of his cloak; and all who touched it were healed.”
Jesus went and found the sick—the outcasts. Jesus touched the unclean and by undoing this he became unclean. But that didn’t matter and Jesus shows us that today for we are all outcast because of our sin. But Jesus come and touches us—freeing us from our bondage; our captivity to sin. What Jesus taught was that the sick, the unclean, the outcast of our society (whoever that may be) do matter. We are all created in the image of God and therefore we are all entitled the same. No illness, no disease, nothing will separate us from that love. God meets us half way and when we can’t walk, God meets us all the way. God comes into our towns and cities; into our homes and workplaces and touches us and promises to stay with us. So now the next time we hear Emma Lazarus’ famous poem, let it remind us that God is also saying those words to us;
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Emma Lazarus was a famous American Poet. One particular poem brought her great fame. I can almost guarantee that everyone in this room has heard this particular poem. It has been cited in movies, books, tv shows, and on one particular monument:
"Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed,
sunset hates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch,
whose flame Is the imprisoned lighting,
and her name Mother of Exiles.
From her beacon hand glows world-wide welcome;
her mild eyes command the air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she with silent lips.
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
This particular monument and poem has come to mean a great deal to many Americans. Some see it as a symbol of Freedom; Lady Liberty standing tall holding the flame of Justice and lighting America’s way as our country strives to grant freedom to all. For others, and maybe for some in this room, the statue of Liberty was the first thing they saw as their boat traveled from eastern hemisphere. Some came in search of starting over; for a chance to give their children the opportunity they did not have. For those that fled Europe to escape the Nazi regime they saw the Statue of Liberty as a second chance at life just as Christians see the Cross as our second chance at life.
Our world has come very far from the days of World War I and II; since the days of Ellis Island where immigrants were treated as second-rate people. The need for conquering land and individuals has been taken over by the need to take care of one another and the planet that we live on. Human and civil rights have become more important to us but this does not mean suffering is no longer with us. There are people who are still oppressed: Racism still goes on in our country, the oppression of women is still all to well apparent but we have made many great strides to end these oppression. But oppression is not the only kind of suffering left in this world. Sickness, loss of personal independence, and pain on a number of different level are all apart of suffering. These moments of suffering and pain can all cause us to ask the question, “Where is God?” or “Why is this happening to me?” Sometimes we question it about ourselves and other times we question it for someone else.
I can remember one particular patient and his family I had a few weeks ago where I asked these two questions “Where is God?” or “Why is this happening to him?” It was my first on call shift and it was a very busy night filled with Traumas, emergencies in the ED, and end of life decisions. This particular patient came into the emergency room while I was tending to a Trauma. The Trauma surgeon pointed him out to me as they wheeled him past the Trauma room. The paramedics were doing CPR on him. With every passing minute the man’s condition got worst and worst and I had to make the dreaded phone call at one in the morning; “Sir you need to come to the emergency room right away, your loved one is very sick.” I was afraid that this man would die alone because his brother lived very far away. None of us were really sure if this man had any real significant family other than his brother. We knew he was divorced and only listed his brother as an emergency contact. A few hours pass and the receptionist finally paged me and told me that the patient’s brother had arrived. It is about 2 in the morning at this point. I go and find a doctor who can give this man more that just the basic information that I had. The cardiologist came in and told the brother that the patient has had a massive heart attack; the only reason he is still alive is because of the dozen of drugs forcing his heart to beat. They were not sure if he would survive the night let alone be able to recover from the lack of oxygen to the brain. When I left the brother upstairs I prayed in the elevator telling God that it is not fair that this man should die alone and that his brother have nobody else to morn with. I asked the question, “Where are you God? This man needs you right now.” A little bit later I was called back to the room. The patient took a turn for the worst and the nurse said the brother just needed someone to sit with. We both sat quietly in the room as the nurses did their job. I prayed my prayer once again to myself. We watched as his lungs were no longer working and the ventilator had to literally force the air into his body. It was very violent to watch this. I was about to lose hope but then out of nowhere the nurse comes in and asks me to go downstairs and meet the man’s sister and his husband. And when I returned later that afternoon I say 10 more family members in the waiting room.
The patient still died but his family was there to hold his hand. They were there to tell him that they loved him. They were there to comfort each other. The same suffering, pain and loss that we see every day whether it be on the news or in the hospital rooms is the same suffering, pain and loss that was around Jesus some 2000 years ago. Not only was the pain of an illness horrible but there was also the social outcast that the person felt as well. But Jesus does something different as we hear in our Gospel lesson today:
“When they got out of the boat, people at once recognized him, and rushed about that whole region and began to bring the sick on mats to wherever they heard he was. And wherever he went, into villages or cities or farms, they laid the sick in the marketplaces, and begged him that they might touch even the fringe of his cloak; and all who touched it were healed.”
Jesus went and found the sick—the outcasts. Jesus touched the unclean and by undoing this he became unclean. But that didn’t matter and Jesus shows us that today for we are all outcast because of our sin. But Jesus come and touches us—freeing us from our bondage; our captivity to sin. What Jesus taught was that the sick, the unclean, the outcast of our society (whoever that may be) do matter. We are all created in the image of God and therefore we are all entitled the same. No illness, no disease, nothing will separate us from that love. God meets us half way and when we can’t walk, God meets us all the way. God comes into our towns and cities; into our homes and workplaces and touches us and promises to stay with us. So now the next time we hear Emma Lazarus’ famous poem, let it remind us that God is also saying those words to us;
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
Monday, July 13, 2009
Week 6 Journal Entry for CPE--Fair Warning: It's a bit of a rant again
As I finish up week six enter and enter into week seven of CPE, I have been pondering the meaning of forgiveness and salvation. I know how we merit (or shall I say receive) salvation and I understand forgiveness as professed through the Confessions of the Lutheran Church but what I do not understand is why others do understand this. I have had on numerous occasions patients and family members say, “One must earn salvation” or “one must earn God’s forgiveness” but in reality scripture says the opposite. Now one could argue the Epistle writer, James’s, idea that “Faith without works is dead”. However, I would argue that our faith causes us to do good works and these works are not a prerequisite for our Salvation. We are simply justified by God’s grace through our Faith and by nothing else. But yet so many people, whether they are; Lutheran, Catholic, Methodist, Non-denominational, you name it, believe one must do good things in order to earn God’s love. It annoys me and upsets me that our society teaches that we have to do work in order to receive something in return. If we work hard and receive nothing in return we are either not working hard enough or we are lazy and do not deserve help. What the hell? Where is the love in that? Where is the humanity in that? Are we all not human? Have we lost the ability to see one another’s pain and exhaustion? Why can we not take care each other and expect nothing in return? The early church did it and, according to Acts, everyone was happy. Today this philosophy is seen as taboo. President Obama received the most flack on his campaign because he wanted America to develop more social concerns; he want to create programs where the needs of humanity were met before the needs of profit and production—the opposite of capitalism.
Sorry for the rant but it needed to be said. I just want to know why it is so hard for us to accept God’s forgiveness and salvation. It is clear in the scriptures how this is done but yet we refuse to go back to the scriptures to find it. We all have the power to forgive and we need not do anything to receive our salvation. The real question is how do I get this message across the patients I see everyday? To quote a famous commercial, “The world may never know.”
Sorry for the rant but it needed to be said. I just want to know why it is so hard for us to accept God’s forgiveness and salvation. It is clear in the scriptures how this is done but yet we refuse to go back to the scriptures to find it. We all have the power to forgive and we need not do anything to receive our salvation. The real question is how do I get this message across the patients I see everyday? To quote a famous commercial, “The world may never know.”
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Another "What the Hell?" moment
So it's 12:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. My stupid on-call shift is throwing off my sleep pattern. Anyways, I was just watching that Hannity guy on Fox News (why I don't know...it just pisses me off). I am utterly, utterly disgusted with him right now. He was talking about Health Care and how he feels Health Care should not be taken over by the Federal government because whenever the government takes over an industry, that industry suffers; the government always makes a situation worst. Now I am not quoting him but rather summarizing. I do welcome other translations but please do defend your translation. Now I tend to disagree with Hannity on his view of a National Health Insurance for two reasons: I have a pre-existing condition and trying to find affordable health insurance is near impossible; I have worked in hospitals for a number of years now and how the insurance industry has hurt hospitals, patients, doctors, ect. Health Insurance companies are raking in millions of dollars in profit while millions of Americans cannot even afford basic health care coverage. Even the basic health coverage can throw an individual into bankruptcy if something were to happen to them. Is this right Mr. Hannity? Do the needs of others not matter? I'm sorry Mr. Hannity but not all of us have a wonderful job where we get paid to talk about our own personal political beliefs. We do not make the large salary or have the excellent health coverage that you have from Fox News. Rather, the majority of Americans are suffering at the hands of greedy health insurance companies who pry on the fears of Americans and charge outlandish premiums and cover the smallest amount possible. Doctors, very good doctors, are being forced out of business because insurance companies refuse to pay for anything. Is this right Mr. Hannity? Is it right that a skilled surgeon, a surgeon who one day may very well be your last hope for a saving a loved one, be forced to find a new profession because he/she cannot make a livable wage? Is this right? Your twisted view of America may have at one time may have worked but it is not going to work any longer. We need to take care of one another and worry less about ourselves. Individuality is important but the love for one’s neighbor is equally if not more important. I will conclude this entry with a thought for everyone to think about. 150 years ago, the Federal Government interfered with the private sector and made slavery illegal. The government did this to ensure the protection of ALL individuals. Are you, Mr. Hannity, saying that the Federal Government should not have interfered with the private sector and not have ended slavery?
“Love one another as I have loved you…”
“Love one another as I have loved you…”
Sunday, July 5, 2009
An untimely Death...Journal Entry for Week 5
Last Monday was my first on-call shift. It was a very busy night filled with Traumas, emergencies in the ED, and end of life decisions. One patient and his family have stayed with me since last Monday. He came into the emergency room while I was tending to a Trauma. The Trauma surgeon pointed him out to me as they wheeled him past the Trauma room. The paramedics were doing CPR on him. I finished up in the trauma room, checked in on my families in the waiting room and then went over to see how he was doing. The nurses were rushing around and numerous specialists were coming in and out of the room. I stayed back and watched from a distance. With every passing minute the man’s condition got worst and worst. I had to leave for a bit to check in on my families in the waiting room. I had a lot of patients that night who were critical and needed attention. A few minutes later I got a page from the operator saying that his brother is on line one. So I walked over to the phone and told him that he needs to come to the emergency room as soon as possible. He wants to know more information but I am not allowed to give out any details. The brother had a long drive ahead of him and it was already close to midnight. I continued to check in with nurse for the next couple of hours and even talk to the last person who saw the patient alive and walking around. We were all under the impression that this man did not have much family and that his brother was the only relative alive. He was not old by any stretch of the imagination. He was only 59 years old and his brother coming in was in his early 50’s. A few hours pass and the receptionist paged me. She told me that the brother has arrived. It is about 2 in the morning and I am running on pure adrenalin at this point. I go and find a doctor who can give this man more that just the basic information that I had. The cardiologist came in and told the brother that the patient has had a massive heart attack; the only reason he is still alive is because of the dozen of drugs forcing his heart to beat. They were not sure if he would survive the night let alone be able to recover from the lack of oxygen to the brain. I took the brother upstairs and notified the nurse that he was in the waiting room. There was nothing more that I could do at this point so I decided I should try to get some shuteye. I finally find my way up to the on-call room and fall asleep at 4 am. At 5 am the pager went off. It is the MICU calling to tell me that the patient has taken a turn for the worst and that I needed to come up. I walked over to the sink and splashed some cold water in my face to wake up. I put my tie back on and headed over to MICU. When I walked in the room, still half asleep, there are about five or six nurses crowding around the patient pushing different meds and writing down readings from the monitor. The brother was sitting on the window bench. I sat down next to him and watched the nurses do their job. We were both quite. I did not know what to say and this man is watching his brother die before his eyes. I was still under the impression that he has no other family coming in. We both watched as the nurses cared for the dying man. We began to converse about end of life care when the nurse came over and asked me to go downstairs and meet the patient’s sister who is arriving shortly. I was so relieved to know that the patient and the brother have more family coming in. I walked downstairs and meet the sister and her husband. I bring them upstairs and they saw their family member for the first time on a ventilator. His lungs were no longer working and the ventilator had to literally force the air into his body. It was very violent to watch this. I got paged that a new trauma is coming in and I had to excuse myself but I promised to return later in the morning. I go back up around 9 am to check in the family and learn that he has a total of 8 brothers and sisters who had all arrived. The patient eventually did die later that day surrounded by his family. When he first arrived I feared that he would die alone but instead died with his family holding his hand. God answered my prayer…
Now I’ve been on a number of decedent care calls and have sat with a few families while their loved one was dying. None of them affected me like this one did. I believe it was because of the brother connection. The younger brother watched as his older brother lied in a hospital bed with no positive outlook. We are all going to die eventually but I feel we forget about how our death will affect others. This patient never went a doctor and did not take very good care of his body. He died way to young. Now his family is mourning his loss. While I do believe God is in the midst of their mourning the family still has to deal with a major loss. I am not saying that the patient killed himself but I wonder if he would have been more vigilant about his health if he would still be here today. Deaths do have away of bringing a family together but so do cookouts and other celebrations. Our actions impact not just us also the people around us. Nobody in that family thought that they were going to loose a brother and a friend last Monday but now they are forced to plan a funeral service and handle any and all of the patient’s financial and personal obligations. This case brought up a lot of issues for me but it did force me to call my brother later that day just to say hello. Maybe there is some good that came out of this case…
Now I’ve been on a number of decedent care calls and have sat with a few families while their loved one was dying. None of them affected me like this one did. I believe it was because of the brother connection. The younger brother watched as his older brother lied in a hospital bed with no positive outlook. We are all going to die eventually but I feel we forget about how our death will affect others. This patient never went a doctor and did not take very good care of his body. He died way to young. Now his family is mourning his loss. While I do believe God is in the midst of their mourning the family still has to deal with a major loss. I am not saying that the patient killed himself but I wonder if he would have been more vigilant about his health if he would still be here today. Deaths do have away of bringing a family together but so do cookouts and other celebrations. Our actions impact not just us also the people around us. Nobody in that family thought that they were going to loose a brother and a friend last Monday but now they are forced to plan a funeral service and handle any and all of the patient’s financial and personal obligations. This case brought up a lot of issues for me but it did force me to call my brother later that day just to say hello. Maybe there is some good that came out of this case…
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Faith of an Infant
The Lutheran church along with the Roman Catholic and many other mainline Christian denominations have the policy that the sacraments are for the living and not for the dead. The dead are in God’s hands and God’s grace will abound. While I do believe and hold this policy I would still baptize a stillborn infant because the sacrament would be for the parents who are living. But to get more specific, what is the faith of a infant? I hold the idea that we do no know what the faith of infant. Jesus says in Luke 18, “‘Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.’” The word child is a strange word in Greek. There is τεκνα which like saying “child of God” or “child of Bob and Mary Beth Day.“ παιδι͗α is the greek word for an actual child or infant. Therefore, the last line of that verse could very well read, “Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little infant will never enter it.’” The faith of an infant, the faith of child is there and we therefore should not judge their faith just as we desire others not to judge our faith. There is beauty to the mystery of faith. It creates a relationship with God and reminds us all that we are created in the image of God.
The other night I watched an episode of Star Trek: Voyager where Nelix was killed in a freak accident. He was on an away mission when he was killed and was brought back to the ship. Seven of Nine heard that Nelix was killed and used some of her nano-probes to bring him back to life some 18 hours after he was killed. When Nelix awoke, he was shocked to find that he saw nothing in death. He saw nothing that his culture told him that he would see. Nelix was having a hard time dealing this but eventually finds that the reason he is so upset that he did not remember seeing anything was more because he was afraid of death. Not remembering did not necessarily mean nothing happened but rather it was the fear of not knowing what did happen and what will happen. Essentially Nelix lost his faith but it was Naomi, a small child born on Voyager, that kept the faith of Nelix going. The episode ended with Nelix unsure of his faith but Naomi still believed in what Nelix told her.
When our adult faith is challenged, it challenges our ability to believe in what we thought was true. But a child’s faith is nearly bullet proof. A child has a unique walk with God even before they were born. God knows a child before they were even a glimour in their parent’s eyes. Their faith is fresh while an adult’s faith is more mature and easily challenged. I believe this is why Jesus said “... whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child/infant will never enter it.’” While I do not believe I will be able to explain this idea in one small journal entry but I hope I, and others, will continue to explore.
The other night I watched an episode of Star Trek: Voyager where Nelix was killed in a freak accident. He was on an away mission when he was killed and was brought back to the ship. Seven of Nine heard that Nelix was killed and used some of her nano-probes to bring him back to life some 18 hours after he was killed. When Nelix awoke, he was shocked to find that he saw nothing in death. He saw nothing that his culture told him that he would see. Nelix was having a hard time dealing this but eventually finds that the reason he is so upset that he did not remember seeing anything was more because he was afraid of death. Not remembering did not necessarily mean nothing happened but rather it was the fear of not knowing what did happen and what will happen. Essentially Nelix lost his faith but it was Naomi, a small child born on Voyager, that kept the faith of Nelix going. The episode ended with Nelix unsure of his faith but Naomi still believed in what Nelix told her.
When our adult faith is challenged, it challenges our ability to believe in what we thought was true. But a child’s faith is nearly bullet proof. A child has a unique walk with God even before they were born. God knows a child before they were even a glimour in their parent’s eyes. Their faith is fresh while an adult’s faith is more mature and easily challenged. I believe this is why Jesus said “... whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child/infant will never enter it.’” While I do not believe I will be able to explain this idea in one small journal entry but I hope I, and others, will continue to explore.
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